Dear Richard Madeley: My wife has been cheating on me for a year – how can I forgive her?

She doesn’t want our marriage to end, but I feel utterly betrayed by her lies and deceit

My wife and I are in our late 60s, semi-retired but still fairly active. We have been married 47 years and have children and grandchildren. I was gutted to discover recently that my wife had been having an affair with a married friend for the past year. They tried to trivialise it by saying it was just about sex, and neither of them wants their marriage to end; for my part, I don’t fancy being on my own for the last 10 or 15 years of my life. So we are trying to rebuild and lead a normal life.
But I have been deeply hurt and affected by the lies and deceit, to say nothing of the cheating itself. I struggle to sleep and think about my wife’s affair all the time. Our wedding anniversary is coming up, and I know this might be a moment to heal and move on, but I am afraid the feelings of betrayal are still too raw, and I’m dreading the day. What’s your advice?
— Anon, via email
I don’t think you should be intimidated by or dictated to by a simple date in your personal diary. Yes, it’s your upcoming anniversary, but frankly, so what? It’s just a tick on the calendar, a 24-hour interval, and this year of all years I think you’re entitled to pretty much give it a miss. The most I’d do, in your circumstances, is proffer a polite card (no oblique, knowing, wry message or comment, Anon; don’t be tempted to be smart or snide; just a simple “Happy anniversary, darling, much love” or something similar, and leave it at that).
As to the future… well. You’ve discovered this betrayal at a particularly difficult point in the long-distance flight of marriage, ie in its final descent, when you would reasonably have assumed a relatively tranquil and relaxed approach to touchdown, but that’s not to be, and I can quite understand why it disturbs and dominates your thoughts and emotions. 
Most agony uncles/aunts would probably advise counselling. I’m not so sure about that. As you say in your letter, the lies and deceit went very deep, and happened very late in the relationship. I think you’re entitled to feel as if something fundamental between you and your wife has changed. If I’m honest, I’d advise you to think seriously about how you might find contentment and dignity in a demi-separate life from your wife. Not a total break, but an existence that doesn’t depend solely upon her presence in it. 
She made her choices. Perhaps now the time has come for you to make your own. Think about this, Anon. And good luck. You’ve had it tough.  
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